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Sun 05 Sep 2010

Tim Tebow Rushes For Touchdown, Interception, In NFL Preseason Debut

Former Florida standout Tim Tebow, who many questioned how well his collegiate talent would translate into NFL success, are already…

Cleveland Cavaliers Owner Dan Gilbert Blasts Favre For Retiring

More bad news for Cavs fan. Upon Brett Favre’s announcement that he was retiring, Cleveland Cavaliers majority owner Dan Gilbert…

Ambitious Female Toddlers Starting Puberty Earlier Than Ever

The female takeover has begun. In a post feminist world where women finally have the right to vote, work, and…

Montana Fishburne Releases Sextape To Get Back At Father, Self

Montana Fishburne, nineteen year old daughter of actor Laurence Fishburne, recently leaked a sextape to the internet. Despite Montana’s privileged…

Politics

Pope Instructs Catholic Priests To Start Molesting Older Looking Children

Amid a flurry of accusations that many Catholic priests have been engaging in sexual activities with young children, the Pope has taken an unorthodox stand in the best way to address these scandals. [ ... ]

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Afghan’s Begin Learning Vietnamese To Help Troops Feel More At Home

Mired in two major wars and a reeling economy, many were surprised that President Obama decided to send an additional thirty thousand troops to Afghanistan. However unmotivated the troops may feel [ ... ]

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GOP, Joe Biden Keep Asking To Touch Obama's Hair

Normally after a president makes a speech, he goes into the crowd to shake hands with the audience. However, after Obama’s latest health care speech, he immersed himself into the crowd, hand out [ ... ]

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Entertainment

J.D. Salinger Dies At 91, Confirming He Was Alive This Whole Time

Literary master and famed recluse J.D. Salinger passed, confirming the notion that he had been alive this whole time. “To be honest, I thought he died back in the 80’s. So this is sort of b [ ... ]

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Jay Leno Complaining That Earthquake In Haiti Eating Up Prime-Time Ratings

“Couldn’t happen at a worse time,” said a steamed Jay Leno. “This is ridiculous. First I have to deal with the whole Conan thing, now I have to deal with this earthquake. The earthqua [ ... ]

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New 3-D Televisions Help Simulate What It Would Be Like To Have A Family

Since the advent of television, Americans have gradually spent less and less time with heir family and friends, and now with Americans viewing an average of eight hours of television per day, many [ ... ]

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Sports

Tim Tebow Rushes For Touchdown, Interception, In NFL Preseason Debut

Former Florida standout Tim Tebow, who many questioned how well his collegiate talent would translate into NFL success, are already recanting their criticisms after his first short stint as NFL quar [ ... ]

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Cleveland Cavaliers Owner Dan Gilbert Blasts Favre For Retiring

More bad news for Cavs fan. Upon Brett Favre’s announcement that he was retiring, Cleveland Cavaliers majority owner Dan Gilbert unleashed a verbal tirade against the legendary quarterback in an [ ... ]

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Mel Kiper Spotted At Pee Wee Football Game

“This is truly going to be one of the deepest classes we’ve had in years,” said Kiper, as he waited to get his football signed by Little Tommy Wilson, age six. “All NFL teams should look [ ... ]

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Cleveland Cavaliers Owner Dan Gilbert Blasts Favre For Retiring

ore bad news for Cavs fan. Upon Brett Favre’s announcement that he was retiring, Cleveland Cavaliers majority owner Dan Gilbert unleashed a verbal tirade against the legendary quarterback in an online letter that Mr. Gilbert claimed to have typed in his own blood.

How fucking dare you. This is the most brazen act of disloyalty you could have shown the Minnesota franchise. Know that despite your retirement, you CANNOT stop the Cleveland Cavaliers from achieving our goals. We do not need you or your gunslinger’s mentality on our basketball team. You're an idiot. I personally guarantee that we will beat you each and every time we play you this season and IT WILL NOT BE FUN. To the Cleveland fans, we will continue to improve this offseason and give you the lottery pick you deserve. Sleep well Cleveland…for tomorrow Brett Favre will be dead.

Love Always,

Dan Gilbert

216-555-3739

www.match.com/dangilbert

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Ambitious Female Toddlers Starting Puberty Earlier Than Ever

he female takeover has begun. In a post feminist world where women finally have the right to vote, work, and breathe the same amount of oxygen as men, women are beginning to demonstrate what they can do on an even playing field. Prior to the women’s liberation movement of the, much of America’s lazy female youth began puberty at age 13. However, once freed from the clutches of male society that not only sought to control them, but actively repress and confound their menstrual cycles, many young, independent female toddlers are now reaching puberty five or six years ahead of schedule.

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