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S truggling to garner sufficient funds to help rebuild the nation following the deadly 8.8 magnitude Earthquake, Chile has now turned to Haiti to help the long, arduous, and costly, revitalization project.
“I know that there is a worldwide financial recession which will greatly curb the amount of donations," said Chilean Ambassador Samuel Ortiz. "But despite this grave global economic catastrophe, I was watching the news and it seems that someway, somehow – Haiti has received about 100 million dollars despite these financial hardships.” Upon receiving such information the Chilean Ambassador visited Haiti in hopes of returning home with enough money to rebuild the majority of the earthquake damaged areas. “Oh…my…god,” said Ortiz as he was ushered off the plane. “To see such poverty, in such a wealthy country--It’s sickening. Just today, the United Nations announced they would be sending millions of dollars to Haiti in the form of food and clothing. These people are so rich they do not even have to work, they make other nations and organizations feed and clothe them. Yet, despite their affluence, the streets are riddled with dead bodies and collapsed buildings. In fact when I first stepped foot onto Haitian soil many children nibbled on my hands, assuming I was food donated through the UN Food Program. It just shows how humble they are, that despite their enormous wealth, they are still down to earth and do not bathe themselves in luxuries.“ After touring the island nation the Ambassador noted that several leaders of very prominent nations were already in Haiti, most likely asking for donations to help their nations as well. “I have only been here three days but I have already seen, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, George Bush, Hugo Chavez, Nicolas Sarkozy, and Tony Blair. Many of these leaders have given speeches, most likely noting exactly why they need the money and what they would plan on doing with it. I have already written a rough draft of what I am going to say…-- Satire Jones obtained a copy of the Chilean Ambassador’s “Help Chile” speech, which has been transcribed by well-to-do Haitian sweatshop workers.
Dear Filthy Rich Haitians, I am Samuel Ortiz and I come from a much poorer nation than you do. I come form Chile. Many of you have probably never heard of Chile because your rich extravagant lifestyles. I was watching the TV the other day and it said that, despite the worldwide economic recession your tiny country has money pouring in by the millions. Only God knows how. You may not have heard, but our country recently suffered a huge earthquake that killed over 100 people and destroyed much of our city. We were hoping to borrow about 100 million dollars to help buy enough CPR kits to try to revive the dead as well as polish our skyscraper made of gold. We were also plan to use some of the extra money to buy some beachfront property in your beautiful country. Now is not the time to be selfish and waste time. Every second lost is more rust on our skyscraper. Thank You God Bless America
“I asked Haiti to donate some money to help the Chileans suffering after the Earthquake,” said the Ambassador following the speech. “But they said they have nothing to give. Just goes to show you, once you get a little money you start to look down on those less fortunate than yourself.”
On his flight back to Chile, the Ambassador remarked that only when the Haitians had suffered a monumental disaster would they understand what the Chilean people are now going through. Live from The Selfish Nation of Haiti…This is Satire Jones
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