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Sun 05 Sep 2010
Pope Instructs Catholic Priests To Start Molesting Older Looking Children

 

A
mid a flurry of accusations that many Catholic priests have been engaging in sexual activities with young children, the Pope has taken an unorthodox stand in the best way to address these scandals. 


“Look guys, you don’t have to stop what you’re doing,” said the Pope, sympathetically.  “Just try to find some kids who are the same age, but look a little bit older.  That should take some of the heat off.  Plus I’m sure we could find some Bible passages that support pedophilia.  And if not, we’ll just write some in The New New Testament: Child Surprise.

When members of the Satire Jones staff asked Vatican priests why they felt the need to molest these young, innocent children, the priests responded saying, “With that kind of defeatist attitude you’ll never become Pope.”

Live from Rite of Passage…this is Satire Jones

 

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